


Love is a Series of Decisions

by adelaide_rain



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fraternization, I'm proud of them, M/M, They're such grown ups in this, With a happy outcome, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 00:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10708632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelaide_rain/pseuds/adelaide_rain
Summary: He can't say that he will never put Kaidan above anyone else; he can't say that their relationship is never going to affect his judgement. And he knows, heknowsthat this should bother him - that this is exactly why there are fraternisation regs - but he can't give Kaidan up, he won't.





	Love is a Series of Decisions

Geth fighters aren’t meant for smooth landings in the shuttle bays of Alliance frigates.

This is probably the first time a geth ship has been anywhere near this close to an Alliance ship, at least in friendly terms, and since it helped them escape seconds before the dreadnought was torn apart by the Migrant Fleet, Shepard is feeling _very_ friendly towards it.

Legion lets the fighter hover for a moment, long enough for Shepard’s squad to safely disembark, before turning off the power and letting it crash to the floor behind them, the sound echoing throughout the shuttle bay.

“Holy shit,” James says, gaze snapping between Legion and the fighter, but Shepard is too angry for explanations or appeasements. He tears his helmet off and thrusts it at James, then turns to Tali and Kaidan – in time to see Kaidan remove his own helmet, in time to see the smear of blood on his cheek and the wince of pain. Concern surges and Shepard strides over to inspect the cut along his cheekbone, the blood bright against his skin.

“I’m fine,” Kaidan says, but Shepard ignores him, carefully wiping the blood away, applying medigel with a stroke of his thumb. “My own fault – I kept putting off replacing the padding in my helmet. It’s nothing.”

“It could’ve been,” Shepard says, heart hammering, fear icing over the anger at the thought. The medigel binds the broken skin, starts to heal it immediately, but Shepard leaves his hand where it is. He can feel Tali’s eyes on them behind her mask, knows James and Steve are pretending they’re not watching, as he leans his forehead against Kaidan’s, just for a moment – long enough to breathe away the fear. Kaidan’s here; he’s fine. They’re all okay.

But the quarians firing on the dreadnought while they were still aboard?

_Not fucking okay._

Taking a breath, Shepard moves away, looks at Legion to see its head cocked almost quizzically.

“Legion, make sure that thing isn’t going to explode. Tali, you should probably warn your fellow admirals that I am _not_ happy.”

“Understood, Shepard,” she says with a bow of her head, and walks towards the elevator. Shepard goes to take his armour off, Kaidan at his heels, while Steve goes to stare at the geth fighter, no doubt itching to try and fly it.

Shepard sheds his armour, shelving it with more force than necessary, then stands there in his undersuit, hands braced against the shelves, trying to figure out how to say _you almost killed one of your own admirals, not to mention me and the man I love, and I am fucking FURIOUS_ in a way that sounds anything like professional.

“Shepard,” Kaidan says, coming up to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m okay, but are _you?”_

Shepard turns to look at him, lets himself be distracted for a moment by how _good_ he looks in that skin-tight undersuit, before his eyes wander up to his face and see the rapidly healing scar on his cheek.

“No, Kaidan. I’m not. Those assholes could’ve killed us all. What the hell were they thinking?”

Kaidan gives a small shrug. “Tactically, it makes sense. What’s the loss of three people compared to taking down that dreadnought?”

“Fuck that,” Shepard snaps, and regrets it instantly when Kaidan frowns. “I would never make a decision like that,” he says, more softly. “Sometimes you have to make hard choices, sometimes there's no other way, but that was not one of those times. They didn’t even warn us, or ask about our status. They didn’t _care_. It was rash, it was bloodthirsty, and there’s no excuse for it.”

Kaidan bites his lip for a moment, as though trying to keep from saying anything, then speaks anyway. “If someone else had been with you – someone other than me – would you be as angry as you are right now?”

“I’d be angry whoever was with me. _I_ was there, Tali was there-”

“But _I_ was there. You and me-” Kaidan shakes his head, takes a breath, then looks into Shepard’s eyes. “Is this affecting your judgement, Shepard?”

“No,” Shepard says, a kneejerk response – the answer he’d give Hackett or any other superior asking about fraternisation. When Kaidan keeps looking at him, he sighs. “Maybe. Okay? But only in the smallest of ways. Not in a way that will affect anyone else. When I choose you to come on missions with me, I do that because of your skills, not because of anything else.”

“Yeah, but – when it comes down to it… If there’s another situation like Virmire-”

“Don’t, Kaidan.”

“I have to, Shepard. This isn’t just about you, you know? I love you, but if – when it comes down to it, if you’re going to choose me over someone else because of us then I don’t know-”

“You still think that’s why I chose you over Ash?"

“Isn’t it?”

Golden brown eyes hold his, and the thought makes Shepard feel nauseous – it always has. He’s told himself time and again, so many times, that saving Kaidan was the only option. He was with the bomb, and the bomb _had_ to be protected, had to go off. If it hadn’t, Saren, with his krogan and geth armies, would have almost certainly won, and the Reapers would have been deep into their harvest by now.

But.

His first instinct - his gut, visceral instinct, before the tactical, sensible part of his mind kicked in - was that he couldn’t lose Kaidan. He _couldn’t_. Even now, the very thought drags terror and despair at its heels.

But _after_ that, he _did_ think tactically, and came to the same conclusion: protect the bomb. Save Kaidan.

“I wanted to save you – but I also _had_ to save you. That bomb had to go off, Kaidan. You know that.”

“And if it had been Ash with the bomb?”

Shepard doesn’t want to think about it. He’s avoided thinking about it for years. “I don’t know.”

“Shepard-"

Traynor interrupts, then, to say that Hackett is available on comms, and Shepard gladly takes the chance to escape. After he’s pulled on his uniform, Kaidan grabs his arm.

“I’m not done with this.” His jaw is tight, his expression serious – he’s not going to let this go. That damned integrity of his.

Shepard _wants_ to be done with it, doesn’t want to think about losing Ash, about how he could’ve lost Kaidan – how he might still lose him. But apparently Kaidan needs to talk about it, and maybe he’s right to – maybe they do need to discuss this.

And if Kaidan decides that Shepard’s judgement is compromised by them being together? If Shepard loses him anyway?

He can’t. He _can’t_.

He pulls Kaidan close and kisses him; after a stubborn second Kaidan kisses him back, slow and soft with just a hint of sultry, heat creeping into it before they pull apart, breathing hard.

“Later,” Shepard promises, and kisses just below the healing scar on Kaidan’s cheek before leaving to deal with the quarians.

===

Punching Admiral Gerrel may not have been the brightest shining moment of Shepard’s career, but damn if it didn’t feel good.

It kind of adds weight to Kaidan’s argument that their relationship clouds Shepard’s judgement, though. 

This past month, with him and Kaidan finally becoming an _us_ \- it’s been amazing, shockingly so. The galaxy is collapsing all around them, they’re facing untold horrors on a daily basis, but no matter what Shepard sees or has to deal with, knowing that Kaidan is either by his side, or will be waiting for him back on the Normandy…

It keeps him sane; it stops him from breaking.

That’s a lot to ask of someone, Shepard knows. And for all that Kaidan insists that’s what he wants to be for Shepard, it feels unfair. It feels unequal, Shepard relying so heavily on Kaidan, but with his busy and all-consuming job, Shepard can give so little in return. Hell, some days he can’t even give him time. Between missions and reports and talking to any and every ambassador or soldier the galaxy has to offer, Shepard works and Shepard sleeps, and nothing else. Occasionally Kaidan will be there when Shepard finally falls into bed, hoping to spend at least a little time together, and they'll hold each other for those few moments before he passes out. More often Shepard sleeps alone, and his heart feels all the heavier for waking up without Kaidan by his side.

 _Selfish,_ Shepard thinks, and yeah – that’s the problem, isn’t it?

He turns his mind back to work, pausing when it comes to choosing a squad to go down to rescue Admiral Korris. Tali, of course – she’s almost bouncing at the thought of going down to Rannoch – but the other... He lingers, but in the end it has to be Kaidan; his tech skills along with his biotics and weapons proficiency make him the obvious choice.

When he meets them down in the shuttle bay to suit up, Kaidan gives him a look but doesn’t say anything. Tali looks between the two of them and shifts uncomfortably.

“I have to say, Shepard, seeing you punch Gerrel like that was very satisfying,” she says, and Shepard absolutely refuses to acknowledge the way Kaidan is frowning at him. “I would have preferred to do it myself, but… Well. Maybe when this is all over.”

“You should sell tickets,” Shepard says, with a grin he doesn’t feel. “Make it a charity event – raise some credits for the rebuilding of Rannoch.”

She laughs, and nods. “Now there’s an idea. We’ll make a fortune.”

During the mission, Kaidan is – professional, is the best word for it. He pays attention, asks questions, follows orders. But nothing more than that – there aren’t the usual smiles or slight touches that Shepard’s grown used to. It hurts, even if it’s maybe for the best.

When Korris is safe Shepard speaks to the rest of the admirals, and he gets to put off talking to Kaidan for a little longer. Reclaiming Rannoch and trying to broker an impossible peace between the quarians and the geth is far more important than this thing between him and Kaidan, Shepard knows that, but still; throughout the planning session he can't help but worry and wonder what he can say.

He can't say that he will never put Kaidan above anyone else; he can't say that their relationship is never going to affect his judgement. And he knows, he _knows_ that this should bother him - that this is exactly why there are fraternisation regs - but he can't give Kaidan up, he won't.

"Shepard?" Tali says, breaking him out of his thoughts, and he forces himself to pay attention.

It takes hours to make a plan, but they're finally done, ready to launch the attack on Rannoch in the morning. It's risky, it's dangerous as all hell, but if they can pull it off - if they can break the Reapers' hold on the geth - they'll have an ally they never imagined, an ally that just might turn the tide.

As the meeting breaks up, Tali touches Shepard's arm, pulls him into the comms room for a moment of privacy.

"Shepard," she says. "I just wanted to say how happy I am for you and Kaidan."

"Thanks, Tali." She’s not the first one to say that to him, and it warms his heart that he’s got such a good crew, a crew that genuinely cares, for him and for each other.

"And - I wanted to say sorry. For - for saying what I did - oh, keelah, this is embarrassing. When I - when I suggested that you and me…"

Light dawns, and Shepard shakes his head quickly. "You don't need to apologise for that, Tali."

"No, I do. I talked to Liara afterwards, and she told me about how she had - ah, a crush on you, back during the mission to find Saren. Until she noticed the way you looked at Kaidan. I - I never did, but now, seeing the two of you together and looking back, I feel dense - it's so obvious. You've liked him for a long time, haven't you?"

"Years," Shepard says, trying and failing to not smile. _Since the day we met,_ he thinks, and not quite, but almost.

"I'm glad. Really. Not that it took you years to get together, but that you are now. You deserve to be happy, Shepard."

"I am, Tali. Thank you."

By the time he’s arrived outside his cabin Shepard is bone tired. When he steps inside to see Kaidan waiting, sitting downstairs on the sofa with a datapad in his hands, Shepard feels a flip-flop of warm fuzzy feelings at the sight of him, and a buzzing anxiety at not wanting to deal with the impending discussion. He sighs, resigning himself, and walks down the steps.

Kaidan looks up at him, expression unreadable for a moment, then he sighs and pats the seat next to him.

"Everything go okay?" He asks, and the distance he'd put between them on the mission seems to have dissolved; Shepard's incredibly glad.

"Yeah. We're set to go tomorrow morning."

"To take down the geth?"

"Yup." Shepard gives a one-shouldered shrug - what else can he do? - and Kaidan smiles, shaking his head.

"So nonchalant."

"Not really. But - it's necessary."

Kaidan's smile widens, and his shoulders seem to relax a little. "You're always like that, Shepard. So... I don't know. Determined. Single-minded."

"You think so? Sometimes I wish I was. It would make things easier.” Shepard pauses. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He _doesn’t_ but since they have to – maybe it’s just better to get it over with. “All through the meeting, I couldn't stop thinking about what we were talking about earlier. Trying to figure out if you were right about you and me - and if you were, if it makes a difference."

Kaidan bites his lip and shifts a little closer to Shepard, their knees bumping together. "I've been thinking too. It wasn't fair for me to put it all on you. You're the CO, but that doesn't mean I'll never be in a situation where I have to decide between you and someone else."

"And?"

"And... I don't know. I think it's one of those things you could only decide in the moment. But I also think - it would make a difference, Shepard. This-" He gestures between the two of them, "-would make a difference."

He's looking away, refusing to meet Shepard's eyes, and it makes Shepard's throat dry. He can't lose Kaidan. He can't. But...

If he decides to end this - Shepard will respect his decision. It'll break his heart, it'll hurt so fucking much, but he'll respect it.

"And?" He asks again, quieter, more hesitant.

"And even knowing that, I need you, Shepard. I can't imagine not having you in my life. It's taken us so long to get here." He shakes his head and then gives a rueful smile, reaching over to take Shepard's hand, and relief makes his head swim. "I'll do my best to stay objective but I can't promise anything. But I won't give you up. I can't."

"I feel exactly the same way," Shepard says, squeezing Kaidan's hand. "But you put it more eloquently than I would've done."

"Eloquent, me?" Kaidan laughs and shifts a little closer to Shepard. "Hardly. You must be thinking of someone else."

"Hmm," Shepard says. "No, it's definitely you. But maybe I'm thinking of this other thing you do with your mouth that's amazing."

"Oh my god, Shepard," Kaidan snorts, and shakes his head. His smile is warm and fond, and the sight of it makes Shepard’s heart feel floaty. That’s what this is about – that’s what makes this worth anything, fraternisation regs be damned. "That's your worst pick-up line yet."

"You say that, but I bet it's going to work."

Kaidan bites his lip, then leans in to plant a soft kiss on Shepard’s lips. "I find it hard to say no to you."

"The feeling is mutual, K."

They lose themselves in kisses until Kaidan gets to his feet, and pulls Shepard to his before pushing him onto the bed. Shepard shimmies up to lie back on the pillows and grins up at him, enjoying the turn of events. 

“Are you planning something, Kaidan?”

“Yeah; I’m planning on showing you that amazing thing I can do with my mouth.”

“Excellent.”

Afterwards, as they hold each other, gazing up at the stars, Shepard strokes Kaidan’s hair and thinks how lucky he is to have this, to finally have this. If something comes up, if a decision has to be made – Shepard’s jaw clenches, and he lets out a breath. If a decision has to be made, then he’ll make it in the moment. There’s little point in worrying about things that might happen, that he can’t possibly know all the details of and therefore couldn’t know the answer in advance. All he can do is enjoy the moments he has with Kaidan, and make time for as many of them as possible. 

“Everything okay?” Kaidan asks, lifting his head and looking at Shepard sleepily. 

“Perfect,” Shepard says, and kisses him. “Or as close as it gets.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says, smiling and cuddling a little closer. “Yeah, it is.”

Things might be complicated, and things might get tough, but right now, they have each other. 

And that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had the worst writer's block, but I think I'm finally, _finally_ through the worst of it. This has taken me a really long time to write because of that, but I got there in the end. I just wanted to have them talk about their relationship in terms of their jobs and the decisions they might have to make... And I'm pleasantly surprised that they were mostly sensible about it. Good for you, boys :D
> 
> Anyways: here's [my tumblr,](http://raininginadelaide.tumblr.com/) and here are [some mshenko ficlets](http://raininginadelaide.tumblr.com/tagged/3-sentence-mshenko) that have been helping me through the writer's block, if you'd like to check them out :)
> 
> (Oh! And the title is from [this lovely Welcome to Night Vale quote](https://asighlikewhisper.tumblr.com/post/155038801554/genderfluid-fierro-welcome-to-night-vale-episode).)


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